For the first time in my life, I feel finite. Like I am running out of time, energy and life. My wide-open-ness has turned to conservativeness and protectiveness. I am drained. This is not my normal. I hear clocks ticking.
I do not know where this came from. Was it the hip surgery, the hurricane, the election, my friend’s death or the illnesses of my loved ones? I cannot perform as a Wonder Woman any more. Too many fires, too little water.
Maybe the book I am writing has uncovered things that should have been left alone. I am amazed how my mind and hand seem to go into action while I am an observer, surprised by what shows up on the page.
I know low, but this is different. I will diligently search for a way up and out. I wish that winter was not approaching. I tend toward dormancy in the cold.
I am usually a tenacious survivor. It’s just that I need a reason to rise. I am not up for the same-old-same-old. I feel defeated by multiple circumstances.
I referred to this in an earlier post as a quagmire. Several of my readers commiserated on that point. It is the feeling of being confined or trapped. I am transitioning and writing about the past and how it has affected the present. I call these events culmination circles. I have started recording these times when life seems to spiral back on itself.
I feel like I am stuck in a rut and sinking slowly. I need change. I need something new. I need a plan of action. I hope for a flash of inspiration. I must rally and be proactive. I am considering options and thinking outside of my comfort-zone box.
I will let you know how I climb out of this hole…when I do.
I am doing my best every day.
That is who I am.
FLOW
floweralley 
I sometimes feel this way too; a little more lately —
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Thanks for your comment John Malone. I will have to fight my way forward. It’s 2AM here and I am up writing again. Culmination circles keep forming. Why now?
I started a book today called The Source by Tara Swart. It seems to be speaking to me. Maybe it would help you too.
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thanks; will look it up Monday when I go to the library . I hope you catch up on some sleep the next 24 hours —
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You will ge where you need to be
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Thanks for your vote of confidence Knight.
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Saying a prayer for you that the beauty of things outshines the ugly. That the good in people is evident even when so many want to focus on the bad. Fortunately I have friends I respect that voted differently than me. Reasonable people can see things differently so it’s not good vs evil and shouldn’t have long term effects on our mood if we remember that. We’re getting older and unfortunately slowing down. I get inspired by seeing people older and more fragile enjoying life. Hope you find your inspiration and have an uplifting year ahead.
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I have always seen things differently than other people. It has been somewhat isolating. I will find my way through this. No worries.
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Cycles is a good way to describe it. I need to boost my Vit.D supplement this time of year, it helps lift the blues. 💙 Take care, Flow!
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Thanks Eliza. I just ordered more D3. Plans are in the works to tackle every issue. At least I will be busy for many weeks. My life is at a crossroads. Turned off the default settings this round. It is my turn!
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When I retired, I found myself in one of those terrible places… My time and truthfully my identity had been wrapped up in other (people, situations) that all no longer needed me…and who was I then…it took a while to figure out what I wanted and where I wanted to spend this time in my life.
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I have been in limbo toooo long. Rose is still home transitioning on meds. No driving or job. Many other factors to deal with.
I am on hold again! Changes will come. Thanks for this empathy friend.
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