Grief

My Sparkly Pink Obsession

| Flower Roberts

It has been going on for weeks now. I have been calling it the ‘Pink Sparkle Emergency.’ I have been searching for all things pink. Pink was Mama’s favorite color. I thought it was just a habit, this looking for pink in January. Her birthday is in January.

I found a pink heart dish for her gift. I got out a pink candle holder I made years ago. I will light the pink candle on her birthday. I thought the obsession would stop.

Ready for Mama’s birthday

It got worse. I needed a pink shirt and pink snowflake jewelry. Shirts came. Wrong pink. The jewelry did not sparkle enough. I shopped until my new hips hurt looking for the right sparkle and the right pink.

Finally, I have the right pink. The right pink? What does that even mean?

The right pink?

I was hoping the emergency was over. I hoped I could finally relax.

Last night I had a pink sparkle dream. There was a little pink sparkle dress. Maybe it’s from too much Wicked watching and Golden Globe viewing?

When I woke up this morning, I saw it in my mind. The perfect pink, the perfect sparkle.

Mama’s perfect pink sparkle dress

It was my mama’s evening gown. I called home and made Mr. Flower take photos. Just to be sure it was safe.

I have not been searching for the perfect sparkly pink. I have been searching for my mama.

Tomorrow is her first birthday after her leaving us. Grief does strange things.

FLOW

I Need Sandra!

| Flower Roberts

Do not feel hurt because I need Sandra.


It is just that she is the one

that I told my secrets to

and now I need her and she is not here.


I talk to her photo, but it doesn’t talk back.


I need to tell her something
but she is not here to hear it
even though I need her.


She left me here and I miss her.


I want her to talk to me calmly

like she used to do before

she left here to go there, 

which is where?         

I need a sign of what to do.


Can she send a feather or pearl,


so I will know

which way to go

and what to do

and which to choose?


I need Sandra,

but she left.

FLOWER

It is hard to get through the holidays when someone is missing. There will be empty chairs. You must pause to remember those that are gone. It is important to save that space in your life and in your heart.

Her Last Visit

| Flower Roberts

She came and hovered in front of my face again yesterday.
This tiny and shiny angel, looking into my eyes.
I was so happy for another visit, that I did not realize the purpose.
I knew she must leave. I knew it would be soon, but for once I was in the precious moment of whirling and flashing.
This morning the drooping vines alerted me of the overnight cold.
Another unacknowledged goodby.
Like when I refused to cry at the awful news.
Trying to make things better…bearable.
Denying the coming cold…the coming loss.
Another visit from another spirit that I desperately need to stay with me.
Letting me know they will come and go.

My angels have feathers. One is blue and the other is a shiny, olive green.



FLOW